Self Portrait

Today is the end of one year and the beginning of a new one. In keeping with beginning anew i decided today i would display a bit about myself.

i wish i could find the old black and white photo i took in college. We had been given an assignment in photography class to create a self portrait. Completely daunted by the task i went into convulsions...a self portrait...i can't do a self portrait, i thought. i never liked displaying anything about myself and here the professor wanted a picture of ME.

i tried everything. Setting the camera up on a tripod, setting the timer and posing in various positions, in various dress. Trying to be unique and different....HA! i tried taking pictures through things, framing myself in bizarre get ups, even putting shaving cream on my face and shooting the picture through the mirror. It wasn't me. None of the pictures were me. The due date was getting closer and i was getting more anxious. i even thought i wouldn't submit anything because nothing i had done to that point was me.

Then one night while lying on the bed, studying for a test and still agonizing over this assignment i looked down at my foot and had an epiphany. i ran for the camera, lay back down on the bed and started shooting pictures of my foot.

My professor loved it and i passed the class.

And this is why i wish i still had that picture. i searched and searched the upper closets. i got the ladder, went through boxes making myself sick with the dust. Finally i realized i would just have to describe the picture and you will have to visualize it.

One foot, covered in a black sock. The big toe and the second toe stick out of a hole in the sock.

At the time that was me in a nutshell. You couldn't pigeonhole me. You still can't.

Today, it is beautiful where i live. The ocean and the sky are crystal clear and i have taken a new picture of my foot. It's the same foot i photographed in college but now it is free.

If you look closely you will see all its flaws. On the pinky toe a blister is in the last stages of healing, that is my vanity showing for trying to wear shoes that looked good but were a bit too tight. On the next toe in you will see a scrape i got on some coral, its healing as well, but is my competitive side kicking in when i wanted to swim faster over the reef than my buddy. On the next toe in you will notice a less than perfect paint job which is me aiming for perfection and missing the mark.

On the big toe some discoloration that is finally growing out hides under the peeling nail polish. This is where i try to keep parts of me under wraps but it gets peeled away by life's realities.

And then, there is that second toe, the crooked one, lovingly leaning in to the big toe. That's me too, disabled sometimes but trying to keep loving.

i have always thought my feet are beautiful. i love my feet....they take me everywhere and this is who i am.

This is me and all my imperfections. i learned a long time ago that striving to be perfect will make you miserable.

So this new year when you are trying to give up all the things you love to make your self perfect why don't you try instead to just love yourself the way you are.

Happy New Year